Sense of humour

ROFL = Rolling On Floor LAAAAAAUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHING lo

Please don trust cartoon
^.^

LOL, so free at Desmond. Hands itchy waiting for your D3s?

CY wrote:LOL, so free at Desmond. Hands itchy waiting for your D3s?

I wanna die of bored edi....
=.=ll

A man buys a lie detector robot which slaps people who lie. He decided to test it
Dad: Son, where were you during school hours?
Son: At school(Robot Slaps son)Ok I lied, I went to the movies.
Dad: What movie?
Son: Toy Stories(Robot slaps son)Ok ok it was "A date with a pornstar".
Dad: When I was ur age, I did not even know what porn was.(Robot slaps dad).
Mom: Hahah..after all he is ur son. (Robot slaps mom).

I always hated weddings because old people come over and poke me saying "You're next".

They stopped when I started doing it to them at funerals.

40 years of marriage..

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story:
Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.....

Dear Husband,

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever.

I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show
for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me
that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut,
had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk
panties. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching
all of your shows.

You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that
connects us as husband and wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't
love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-wife

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to Spain
together! Have a great life!

***********************************************************
Dear EX-wife,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.

It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a
good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my shows so much
because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that
doesn't work.

I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that
came to mind was 'You look just like a boy'! Since my mother raised me not
to say anything if you can't say something nice, didn't comment.

And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused
with my brother, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

About those new silk panties: I turned away from you because the ￡49.99
price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that
my brother had just borrowed fifty quid from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out.
So when I hit the lottery for ten million pounds, I quit my job and bought
us two tickets to Jamaica .

But when I got home you were gone.

Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that
the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a penny from me. So take care.

Signed,
Your EX-husband, Rich As Hell and Free!

An English lawyer and a Chinese are sitting next to each other on a long flight from London to Malaysia.
The lawyer is thinking that all Chinese are so dumb that he could get over on them, easy. So the lawyer asks if the Chinese would like to play a fun game.

The Chinese is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines, and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only £5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you £500, he says.

This catches the Chinese's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?' The Chinese doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer?

Now, it's the Chinese's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up.

He wakes up the Chinese and hands him £500. The Chinese pockets the £500 and goes right back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer.

He wakes the Chinese up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?

The Chinese reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer £5 and goes back to sleep.

ang mo may be smart, but chinese smarter

This is why when you do business with Chinese, you gotta be really careful hahaha! Its tough doing business with Chinese .

1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance ...


The 5 stages of buying petrol.

A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to a meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp. They rub the lamp and a ghost appears.
The ghost says :
" Normally, one is granted three wishes, but as you are three, I will allow one wish each. "
So the eager senior manager shouted : " I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries."
Pfufffff …. and he was gone.Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted : " I want to be in Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails. " Pfufffff …. And he was also gone.


The boss calmly said : " I want these two idiots back in the office after lunch at 12.30 pm. "

MORAL OF THE STORY : ALWAYS LET THE BOSS SPEAK FIRST

Standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand, " Listen," said the CEO, " this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"
" Certainly," said the young executive.


He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.


" Excellent, excellent! " said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the shredder machine.


" I just need one copy. "

An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA When the American turned to the Japanese and asked
" What kind of -ese are you ? "


The Japanese, confused, replied : " Sorry, but I don't understand what you mean. "
The American repeated : " What kind of -ese are you ? "
Again, the Japanese was confused over the question.
The American, now irritated, then yelled : " What kind of -ese are you
... Are you a Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese !, etc......??? "
The Japanese then replied : " Oh, I am a Japanese. "

A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked what kind of 'key' was he.
The American, frustrated, yelled : " What do you mean what kind of -kee' am I ?! "
The Japanese said, " Are you a Yankee, donkee, or monkee ? "


LESSON No : NEVER INSULT ANYONE

There were these 4 guys --- a Russian, a German, an American and a French,
who together found this small genie bottle.
When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appeared.
Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle, he said :
" Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you a wish.
When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the pool of water to become,
then your wish will come true. "
The French wanted to start.
He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted : " Wine ! "
The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine.
The Frenchman was very happy, swimming and drinking from the pool.
Next is the Russian's turn.
He did the same and shouted : " Vodka ! " and immersed himself into a pool of vodka.
The German was next and he jumped and shouted : " Beer ! "
He was likewise very contented with his beer-filled pool.
The last is the American.
He was running towards the pool when suddenly he steps on a banana peel.
He slipped towards the pool and shouted, " Shit !!!!!!!........."

LESSON : ALWAYS THINK TWICE BEFORE YOU SAY SOMETHING, BECAUSE SOMETIMES ACCIDENTS DO HAPPEN !

The organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.
Each organ took a turn to speak up.
Brain......... I should be in charge because I run all body functions.
Blood........ I should be in charge because I circulate oxygen for the brain.
Stomach.. I should be in charge because I process food for the brain.
Legs........ I should be in charge because I take the brain where it wants to go.
Eyes......... I should be in charge because I let the brain see where it's going.
Asshole.....I should be in charge because I get rid of your waste.
All the other parts laughed so hard and this made the asshole very mad.
To prove his point, the asshole immediately slammed tightly closed and
stayed that way for 6 days, refusing to rid the body of any waste whatsoever.
Day 1 - Brain got a terrible headache and cried out for relief
Day 2 - Stomach got bloated and began to ache terribly
Day 3 - Legs got cramps and became unstable
Day 4 - Eyes became watery and vision became blurred
Day 5 - Blood became toxic and poisoned the body
Day 6 -The other organs agreed to let the asshole be in charge.

MORAL OF THE STORY: NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE, OR HOW IMPORTANT YOU THINK YOU ARE, YOU WILL FIND THAT IT IS ALWAYS AN ASSHOLE THAT IS TRULY IN CHARGE

simmon wrote:

MORAL OF THE STORY: NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE, OR HOW IMPORTANT YOU THINK YOU ARE, YOU WILL FIND THAT IT IS ALWAYS AN ASSHOLE THAT IS TRULY IN CHARGE

I'm best fren of asshole! wakakakaka

simmon wrote:LESSON : ALWAYS THINK TWICE BEFORE YOU SAY SOMETHING, BECAUSE SOMETIMES ACCIDENTS DO HAPPEN !

This one really made my day! wakakakaka

I took a photo of my wife on my phone, and proceeded to piss myself with laughter before showing it to her,

"Oh you bastard!" she smiled as she gave me a playful slap "You and your silly Fat Booth app!"

"Eh?"

You might like it. This is hilarious... ..even an Englishman could not construct sentences using numeric, which is exclusive only to Malaysians and Singaporeans.
Ah Lek was asked to make a sentence using 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9,10.
Not only did he do it 1 to 10, he did it again from 10 back to 1. This is what he came up with.....

1 day I go 2 climb a 3 outside a house to peep. But the couple saw me, so I panic and 4 down. The man rushed out and wanted to 5 with me. I ran until I fell 6 and threw up. So I go into 7-eleven and grabbed! some 8 to throw at him. Then I took a 9 and try to stab at him. 10 God he run away.

10 I put the 9 back and pay for the 8 and left 7-eleven. Next day I called my boss and told him I was 6. He said 5 , tomorrow also no need to come back 4 work. He also asked me to go climb a 3 and jump down! I don't understand. I am so nice 2 him but I don't know what he 1.

NO Speak English

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever
after in Toronto . The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did
manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she
had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't
know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a
chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the
message and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say
it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the
butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken
breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way
to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store and..........
(Please scroll down.)































What were you thinking ?

Her husband speaks English....hellooo !

I worry about you sometimes !

For you guys (husbands) out there. If you have the money, it is quite a good idea to try this Alternative Investment.

This is a bloody good investment !!!
Wish I had thought of it earlier, than to slog so long + hard for a livng.?!?


A Singapore millionaire, LKA, secretly maintained a mistress in Hong Kong , bought a posh sea view apartment (in his own name) for her to live in, plus gave her a monthly allowance of US$5,000. The house cost him about US$700,000 in 2005. The affair lasted for 5 years.

He sold the house this year for $3.8 million, after they broke up. A quick calculation shows that after 5 years of a fling with the woman, he still had a net gain of $2.8 million plus six years of FREE SEX.

When his wife found out about this, he offers the $2.8 million to her.
But she was still not happy .........., and she was very mad at him and gave him a big mouthful...

She yelled at him at the top of her voice and said ......

"BLOODY IDIOT, STUPID FOOL" !!! ..............
Why the hell didn't you keep TWO MISTRESSES !!!!

After having a little nap, my wife told me of a dream she had where she walked into the bedroom to find me in bed on all fours, wearing a gimp mask with her sister f**king me up the arse with a strap on but before she could open her mouth a shark came out from under the bed and ate me and her sister.

She said," It's funny how things can happen in dreams that wouldn't happen in real life."

I said, " Yeah, ridiculous... a shark under the bed."

Misfit... I don't get this le... Can explain explain ?